My Bird Has Left the Nest

 Last week I flew over 2,000 miles to drop my teen off at college, then hopped on my return flight alone. It was almost unbearable.

Now, I consider myself a pretty tough cookie. I am not someone who lives in fantasy land. I like realism and appreciate brutal honesty. In fact, my nickname amongst my girlfriends is Asshole because I tell people like it is. I know that my daughter will be back home for summer and holidays. I know that this would not be our last good memory together. Yet even still, I lost my cool during this drop off process.

Several times during the trip, my teen had tears fall. Each time, I felt nothing but parental wisdom flow through me to comfort her. She was going to be fine. Enjoy water polo and have fun with her teammates. She'd be home in just over a few months. THIS WAS NO BIG DEAL. So, when the time came to give her the final hug before I headed out of her dorm, she cried and I didn't. I just hugged her the tightest I have ever hugged anyone in my entire life. As if I was depositing months worth of hugs into this one last one.

When I arrived back at my hotel room, I was greeted by the front desk with a warm smile. I happily reciprocated with an equally genuinely warm smile. Afterall, I was proud of myself. I had just dropped my first kiddo off at college. I am sure if one saw me walking through the lobby, one might even say I was walking with a swagger on the way to my room.

When I opened my hotel room door, the smell of my daughter's shampoo and conditioner coupled with an empty room sucker-punched me in the gut. My baby is no longer a baby. She is living somewhere without me. Suddenly, I found myself gasping for air as I was being drowned with memories. Waves of guilt kept crashing down on me one after the other. BOOM. Why hadn't I played Barbies with her more? BOOM. Why did I yell so much at her? BOOM. BOOM. I should have complimented her more. Hugged her more often. WHY DID I PUT HER THROUGH A DIVORCE?  

I spent the next 7 hours crying and trying to forgive myself for all of the parenting mistakes I made while she was growing up. But no matter how I rationalized or reasoned that I did my best, deep down inside I knew I could have done better. I should have done better.